Tuesday, 29 March 2011

The vaginal frontier

There was a time when men and women set forth to conquer unexplored areas. The Antarctic. The Himalayas. The moon.

They invented things - lightbulbs, computers, shoes with wheels in them.

We have come up with solutions to most of life problems and have come up with problems simply to use the solutions that have been created.

But having done these amazing things, there are now few areas left unplundered. Few frontiers unexplored. And until relatively recently, the vagina was one of them.

Or course women have been shaving and waxing for some time. According to Wikipedia, Middle Eastern societies have been waxing since 4000 BC. Us Westerners only caught onto the trend in about 1945, when swimsuits became more revealing and the sight of  pot scourer-like hair flirting out the edges was deemed unsuitable public viewing.

Then, thanks to Sex and the City in the late 90s, the concept of the Brazilian took hold of our imaginations. All of a sudden, a neat bikini line was positively slovenly in comparison to sporting the bald eagle look. And once this particular trend was given an airing, well, all of a sudden the lady garden became the final frontier to be explored.

With the smooth, blank canvas the Brazilian affords, it was inevitable that someone would come up with the next big thing. There, crying out for a bit of beautifying, were millions of naked vajayjays. And thus the words 'Vajazzle' and 'Vajazzling' entered our lexicon. If you don't know what vajazzling is (where have you been?), its a way to pimp your vaj. Bling it up. Make it sparkly. In short, you stick crystals onto it. I won't go into the reasons why you want to do that - Katyboo explains it all brilliantly here (this is a must read). And let's not forget Vattoos....nuff said.

So having gone from not waxing, to waxing, to waxing it all off, to vajazzling and vattoos, not to mention labiaplasty and vaginoplasty, surely we had plumbed the depths of what else could go on in that particular ah-rea.

But no. There's more.

Thanks to a tip off from blogger This Mid Thirties Life, the latest lady garden craze is the Vajacial. That is a facial for your vajayjay. Yes, you read that correctly.

Apparently several US waxing salons are offering these treatments.  For example Stript Wax Bar in San Francisco has a 50-minute long treatment involving four steps:
Skin is cleansed with an antibacterial body wash and witch hazel.
A papaya-based exfoliating gel goes on before the esthetician extracts ingrown hairs.
Then an anti-freckle, anti-acne, or calming mask is applied.
It finishes off with an application of lightening cream.

This brings several questions charging into my brain.

  1. Surely there must be a fair amount of 'massage' that takes place as various potions are applied and removed. Couldn't that have .... consequences? And are you charged extra for that?? Nothing like a facial with a happy ending.

  2. What if some of that exfoliating gel goes where it shouldn't? That's gotta make your eyes water.
  3. Anti-freckle cream?? Really? How many freckles can you get down there? Don't you get freckles from too much sunshine? Quite frankly if you're super freckly down there, perhaps you should have avoided all those nudist beaches. And if your body is naturally freckled all over, surely a freckle free vaj would look odd?
  4. Similarly - lightening cream? Why would you want your vaj to be lighter than the rest of your skin? Is it meant to be able to glow in the dark so that it can be easily found, like a fluorescent beacon with landing lights guiding you home? I'm fairly certain that your partner will find it regardless of what colour it is.
  5. Why in the name of all things holy would you want to be a vag esthetician? I'll bet it's not a career choice often discussed at career guidance day.
Having given birth twice, I know that a vagina can become very public property. Your 'intimate private' area becomes a shipping lane that might as well be broadcast on the nine o' clock news just in case someone in the world hasn't seen it yet. But that's childbirth. Everyone is too busy looking at what's coming out of your vaj, rather than the vaj itself.

Perhaps I'm simply in the wrong phase of life to consider vajacials and vajazzles and anything else that is designed to beautify this particular area. Perhaps if I was single, in my 20s, living in LA I'd be waiting in line to have exfoliating gel rubbed onto my girly bits.

But I feel - with a rather large portion of relief - that these particular trends are going to have to pass me by. Discussing vajazzle designs and vaginal exfoliating options at the school gate isn't something likely to happen, certainly not in the West Berkshire countryside. And besides, I reckon my poor husband would be happy to see my lady garden at all, horticultured or not.

I shall have to find another frontier to explore instead.


Iota said...

Oh, you've disappointed me. I thought those West Berkshire school gates were teeming with discussions about vajazzling.

I'm with you. These kinds of issues make me feel old, but relieved to be.

I did once have a mole removed from that area because it seemed to be growing. It involved a bit of local anaesthetic, and antibiotic cream, under the peering gaze of a doctor wearing magnifying glasses. Not quite the relaxing spa experience you describe. Can't believe I've just shared this with cyber space.

This Mid 30s Life said...

Oh funny we've just written the same post!! I have to read yours in more detail, just got excited and jumped straight into the comments.... I'll be back..!!

This Mid 30s Life said...

Brilliant! Have never heard of a vattoo - what will they think of next?? A musical vaj? One you can read a book on? Feather adhesives? This is getting silly so I'll stop now.

The Dotterel said...

I'm not sure I should've been reading that, still less commenting. But...?

nappy valley girl said...

Snort. No vajazzling here, and not even a Brazilian in sight I'm afraid to say. Frankly, I can only be bothered to wax in the swimsuit months. The Korean lady at the salon was rather horrified last May after, shall we say, a long period of not mowing the lawn....

Expat mum said...

I'd be the one to get the vajazzle beads stuck in my zip wouldn't I? Or worse...but we won't even go there.

katyboo1 said...

Absolutely priceless! I am dumbfounded. I did not know that freckles could grow down there at all. Something else for everyone to start worrying about.

This has had me giggling for the last few minutes. Thank you so much for posting it!

Home Office Mum said...

Iota - to be fair, I do talk about these kind of things at the school gate, I just tend to leave a wake of open mouthed people behind me. Oh, and thanks for sharing :-)

This Mid 30s - how funny that we both went and researched it. Obviously it is very 'on trend' as a subject

The Dotterel - shut your eyes and walk away quietly

Nappy Valley - I am much the same when it comes to mowing.

Expat mum - I am so tempted to buy some vajazzle beads and use them to decorate other parts of me.

Katyboo - your vajazzle post lives on in my memory as the BEST post of all time.

kcm said...

Well I have to say thafter all that waxing (or shaving) I should think some TLC, a vajacial and some good "moisturiser" are essential! ;-)

Anonymous said...

Hmmm very interesting post. I had no idea!! Seriously though, what a waste of time/money when there's starving people in the world.

Metropolitan Mum said...

50 minutes?? I am all for Brazilians, but 50 minutes of prodding and poking? Is that supposed to be relaxing? And a vattoo?? Hell, I am definitely too old for that kind of stuff.

Jenni Russell said...

What an enlightening post - yes we women are being given a choice with how we want down there to look. What are not being readily given though is a choice about is how to make down there work optimally.

How many women know what "Kegels" are and how to do them FULLY! The topic at the gate needs to be about the functionality of our vajayjay's that makes them look beautiful by default.

Kegel Angels "VA-VA-VOOM" their Vagina! They acquire the necessary education to optimise their sexuality and confidence. In control of ALL actions at ALL times a brazillian is just a topping! The real beauty lies within! Feel great, Look great!

visit www.jennirussell.com and have a look at how you can get more information on or access to the "Va-Va-Voom" your Vagina workshops, seminars and packages that allow women everywhere to maximise their FULL female potential.

Hot Cross Mum said...

Oh god I think I need to go and lie down after all that. Hilarious post - thanks for enlightening me!

angelsandurchinsblog said...

Vattoo! Who knew? I wonder how many people I know do this kind of thing? Is it a larger number than you might think? It's not really the kind of area you can sneak a peek at.

About Last Weekend said...

Im finding it hard these days to get out of my uGG boots and poncho let alone attend to the vajazzle - but loving hearing about it. Must introduce the concept at our school gates, being a Kiwi lets you get away with so much more here! Plus fascinated to hear about your Seattle decisions, We had that about decision eight years ago when we practically could pick many places including NZ- and ended up in Oakland!

Pinchypants said...

You made me laugh on a day when I really, really needed cheering up, so thankyou! I feel an Only Way is Essex marathon coming up this evening now...
Pinchy xxx

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