The vaginal frontier

There was a time when men and women set forth to conquer unexplored areas. The Antarctic. The Himalayas. The moon.

They invented things - lightbulbs, computers, shoes with wheels in them.

We have come up with solutions to most of life problems and have come up with problems simply to use the solutions that have been created.

But having done these amazing things, there are now few areas left unplundered. Few frontiers unexplored. And until relatively recently, the vagina was one of them.

Or course women have been shaving and waxing for some time. According to Wikipedia, Middle Eastern societies have been waxing since 4000 BC. Us Westerners only caught onto the trend in about 1945, when swimsuits became more revealing and the sight of  pot scourer-like hair flirting out the edges was deemed unsuitable public viewing.

Then, thanks to Sex and the City in the late 90s, the concept of the Brazilian took hold of our imaginations. All of a sudden, a neat bikini line was positively slovenly in comparison to sporting the bald eagle look. And once this particular trend was given an airing, well, all of a sudden the lady garden became the final frontier to be explored.

With the smooth, blank canvas the Brazilian affords, it was inevitable that someone would come up with the next big thing. There, crying out for a bit of beautifying, were millions of naked vajayjays. And thus the words 'Vajazzle' and 'Vajazzling' entered our lexicon. If you don't know what vajazzling is (where have you been?), its a way to pimp your vaj. Bling it up. Make it sparkly. In short, you stick crystals onto it. I won't go into the reasons why you want to do that - Katyboo explains it all brilliantly here (this is a must read). And let's not forget Vattoos....nuff said.

So having gone from not waxing, to waxing, to waxing it all off, to vajazzling and vattoos, not to mention labiaplasty and vaginoplasty, surely we had plumbed the depths of what else could go on in that particular ah-rea.

But no. There's more.

Thanks to a tip off from blogger This Mid Thirties Life, the latest lady garden craze is the Vajacial. That is a facial for your vajayjay. Yes, you read that correctly.

Apparently several US waxing salons are offering these treatments.  For example Stript Wax Bar in San Francisco has a 50-minute long treatment involving four steps:
Skin is cleansed with an antibacterial body wash and witch hazel.
A papaya-based exfoliating gel goes on before the esthetician extracts ingrown hairs.
Then an anti-freckle, anti-acne, or calming mask is applied.
It finishes off with an application of lightening cream.

This brings several questions charging into my brain.

1. Surely there must be a fair amount of 'massage' that takes place as various potions are applied and removed. Couldn't that have .... consequences? And are you charged extra for that?? Nothing like a facial with a happy ending.
2. 
   What if some of that exfoliating gel goes where it shouldn't? That's gotta make your eyes water.
3. Anti-freckle cream?? Really? How many freckles can you get down there? Don't you get freckles from too much sunshine? Quite frankly if you're super freckly down there, perhaps you should have avoided all those nudist beaches. And if your body is naturally freckled all over, surely a freckle free vaj would look odd?
4. Similarly - lightening cream? Why would you want your vaj to be lighter than the rest of your skin? Is it meant to be able to glow in the dark so that it can be easily found, like a fluorescent beacon with landing lights guiding you home? I'm fairly certain that your partner will find it regardless of what colour it is.
5. Why in the name of all things holy would you want to be a vag esthetician? I'll bet it's not a career choice often discussed at career guidance day.

Having given birth twice, I know that a vagina can become very public property. Your 'intimate private' area becomes a shipping lane that might as well be broadcast on the nine o' clock news just in case someone in the world hasn't seen it yet. But that's childbirth. Everyone is too busy looking at what's coming out of your vaj, rather than the vaj itself.

Perhaps I'm simply in the wrong phase of life to consider vajacials and vajazzles and anything else that is designed to beautify this particular area. Perhaps if I was single, in my 20s, living in LA I'd be waiting in line to have exfoliating gel rubbed onto my girly bits.

But I feel - with a rather large portion of relief - that these particular trends are going to have to pass me by. Discussing vajazzle designs and vaginal exfoliating options at the school gate isn't something likely to happen, certainly not in the West Berkshire countryside. And besides, I reckon my poor husband would be happy to see my lady garden at all, horticultured or not.

I shall have to find another frontier to explore instead.