How can you tell it's the end of the school year and the start of summer holidays? By the number of wine bottles in the recycling tub.
My children seem to have been possessed by satan's small pygmie brothers. Never have I known such vile, vile tempers. And part of me wants to say, 'Poor ickle things, so tired after their long term and whole school year. They're just so exhausted, that's why they're behaving like intolerable little beasts.'
But the other part of me just wants to say: 'Argh!!!! Big frickin deal. So you've been at school for a year playing with playdo and turning egg boxes into volcanoes. A year broken up with three weeks of half terms and five weeks of other holidays and you're about to have six sodding weeks of holiday. During which point you will fight and bicker and break things and mess and nag and whine and spend my money and just generally drive me demented. Meanwhile I have worked hard earning money, running the house, picking up after you, feeding you, playing countless boring games, breaking up fights, driving you all over the place and trying to stay sane. And you're the ones that are tired and bad tempered???'
We've just reached a crescendo in our house. This follows a week during which I got so fed up with all the bickering, mardiness, completely not listening to anything I say-ness, back chat and general little shitdom, that I actually banned their DS games for a month. This coincides with us going on holiday, flying for 4 hours and transferring a further two. The DS games would be very useful for this. Now I have shot myself in the foot and am basically punishing myself. Fool. Think before you punish.
Back to tonight's crescendo. Having eaten their fill at a party, they came home and immediately demanded food. Again. So they had bowls of cereal and cheese strings and other random crap that they selected instead of taking me up on the offer of toast or sandwiches. They then settled down to watch a 30 minute programme before bed time. Not once during this time was any mention made of being hungry. The minute I said, 'Right, time to go to bed', the wails of hunger and starvation started up.
I said no. Emphatically so. I pointed out that this was a delaying tactic and that they'd had plenty of time to eat. Now it was too late. Well call Childline because the show they put on about how they were starving was pretty spectacular. Until I lost it and explained very loudly in graphic detail what the children of Somalia are currently going through and if they wanted to know what starving felt like, I could arrange it for them by buying a one way ticket to East Africa.
And that is why another bottle will be added to our recycling tub this evening. Did I mention we're going away on Monday for two weeks where they have all day kids clubs? Bring. It. On.