Monday, 16 June 2008

My list of vile foods just got longer.

Some watercress seems to have found it's way into my bag of rocket and spinach salad. I've never realised before just how much I dislike watercress. It's tastes like swamp water. It's also long and awkwardly shaped so just about impossible to get into your mouth without tickling your nostrils or smearing salad dressing across your chin. It's just plain wrong and should not be a food stuff. From hereonin, no watercress shall enter this house.

While I'm on vile foods, here are a few more:

  • Coriander. Spawn of the devil. The express train to gag central. Horrible, horrible herb.
  • Sweetbreads or offal. Why does anyone think these things are for eating?
  • Crustacea. I am allergic (thank god) and getting a swollen head is never appealing, but even without the anaphylactic shock, why would anyone want to eat things that closely resemble underwater bugs?
  • Cauliflower. An albino broccoli, only broccoli tastes fab, cauliflower is just smelly.
  • Anything that is 'frothed' that shouldn't be. For example, a cauliflower froth. I think this has become de rigeur at posh restaurants (I know this only from perusing online menus because we never actually go anywhere posh, partly because we have screaming beasties and partly because I don't like going somewhere that requires a food dictionary or that serves froth.)
  • Marzipan. Vile, beastly, horrific stuff that ruins thoroughly decent Christmas cakes every year. I really ought to set up a lobby group to have it banned.
  • Goat's cheese. If I wanted the lingering taste of vomit in my mouth, I would simply eat all of the above and wait for the consequences instead of eating goats cheese, which has the exact same effect.
  • Black pudding and haggis. Seriously people. C'mon.
  • Game birds. I'm never convinced that food should shimmer green you know.
  • It goes without saying that frog's legs, snails, mopane worms, rabbits or pigeon aren't going to be served in my house anytime soon either.

It's just occurred to me that I might be a fussy eater. Perhaps that's why we don't get many dinner party invitations?


katyboo1 said...

I've never been able to eat watercress since my mother told me that it often harbours fluke worm eggs which can spawn in a person's bloodstream. As my mother was a big fan of getting me to eat greenery I always believed this was true and that she wasn't just making it up to gross me out.

Home Office Mum said...

OMG!! I think I might be ill. Seriously? Fluke worms? I don't even know what those are but they definitely fall into my category of do not eat. Thank you for giving me a solid alibi as to why I don't have to eat the minging stuff.

Anonymous said...

Broccoli is a good contender for most vile edible green substance. Why it tastes so vile is simple. The antioxidant in it happens to be an alkaloid substance that serves as a natural pesticide! And yes, it DOES have a (high dose) LD50 rating in humans. The result is that it is technically edible but tastes like an inedible toxic plant. Nope, hot sauce will not cover the toxic taste of this edible substance.

For the seafood competition, I nominate anchovies as the most vile foodstuff. The problem is that they are seriously salted up. While we need some salt, too much of anything is too much, like the alkaloid substance in the broccoli.

BTW, Lobster (which I do like) is in fact closely related to insects. Again, as far as edible but unpalatable foodstuffs, a least favourite is Green Peppers. Green Peppers have a nasty tendency to leach out juices when cooked on a pizza so even if picked off the remaining pizza is "contaminated" with the nasty taste. It becomes an easy way to demonstrate how toxins leach out of landfills into ground water.

One could readily design a child-proof pizza by means of using as toppings broccoli, anchovies, and green peppers. Just add that watercress for flavour!