We're at a pub with friends for a Sunday lunch. Their baby is snoozing peacefully in his buggy. We're taking turns walking up and down, pat shushing, trying to settle our screaming baby. Again.
Toddler group. All the children are sitting on the floor singing the wheels on the bus, merrily making the actions. My son is sitting on my lap sobbing, trying to cover his ears.
We head off to a pre-school mini football class. The other children all shriek and run around after the balls having a whale of time. My son won't come out from behind my chair and when I finally manage to coax him out and get him to kick a ball to me, he cries if I take a step from his side.
It's his fourth birthday. We've hired a magician and he's got to dress up like a pirate. He doesn't want to be the magician's helper. He reluctantly joins in the party games. He cries when everyone sings happy birthday to him.
He's getting dressed for school. Or rather, he isn't. He's making a fuss and not putting his shirt on. Eventually I ask him why he won't put his shirt on. Apparently the badge on the shirt is scratchy. I get him a shirt without a badge on it. He puts it on happily.
It's the dreaded time of day - school drop off. I take him into the playground. He clings to me, like every other day for the last year. He cries. He says he feels sick. A teacher has to peel him off me. He screams and tries to escape. I have to just walk away and it breaks my heart. They assure me at pick up that he was fine once I left.
'Your son doesn't say much in class, but when he does, it is stunningly well thought out as though he has thought very deeply about the answer and is almost adult in his approach,' to quote his reception year teacher.
Monday afternoons, our worst day of the week. Swimming lessons. He shouts and yells that he isn't going. 'I hate it,' he screams. I get him in the pool, refusing to negotiate on this point. The swimming instructor tells off the little girl next to my son for not listening. My son bursts into tears, his lip wobbling for the rest of his lesson while his goggles fill with tears.
This is my son. I have written about him before:
What to do when you don't like your child
When we send him off to camp
School Battles
For seven years I have been at a loss to know what to do with him. Nothing seemed to work. I'd always known he was sensitive, but as he got older, it seemed to me that many really undesirable qualities were coming to the fore: selfishness, laziness, aggression, drama queen tendencies.
But last week I was in a book shop and saw a book called The Highly Sensitive Person. It just seemed to leap off the shelf at me. I didn't buy it but went home and googled Highly Sensitive Children. And hey presto, up popped a web site with a quiz in which you answered questions about whether you have a highly sensitive child. So I did it. And no surprises, but he ticked just about every box. I ordered the book - Highly Sensitive Children by Elaine Aron - immediately and have spent the last few days reading it cover to cover.
It made me weep. Genuine sobbing and an immense feeling of guilt. How could I not have seen this in my child? How is it that I'd never heard of this as an issue? How could I have made so many mistakes with him? I wished with all my heart that I could take back the years and do them over again.
In case you, like me, were not aware of Highly Sensitive Children (HSCs), they make up 15 to 20% of the population, too big a proportion for this to be so unknown. It's NOT a disorder. It is NOT aspergers or autism. In short, a highly sensitive person absorbs more and processes everything more thoroughly. To quote the book:
"HSCs are born with a nervous system that causes them to prefer to observe all the subtleties in a situation and to process all of this information deeply before acting. As a result, HSCs tend to be highly reflective, intuitive and creative (having a strong sense of how things came to be how they are and what could happen next); conscientious and concerned about fairness and what others are feeling; and aware of subtle changes, details or 'what's missing in this picture'. The trait also causes them to be more easily overwhelmed and hurt, both physically and emotionally; slower to warm up or join in; and sometimes quiet and unwilling to speak (in groups).
They are more easily overwhelmed by 'high volume' or large quantities of input arriving at once. They try to avoid this and thus seem shy or timid or party poopers. When they cannot avoid overstimulation, they seem easily upset or 'too sensitive'."
So my crying baby didn't have colic. There was just too much stimulation for him out and about.
My clingy toddler and pre-schooler wasn't being shy or wimpy, he couldn't take in all the noise and activity going on around him. He was hanging back to observe, process it and then venture forth (normally at about the time he had to leave which then caused him frustration and brought on massive tantrums).
My little boy wasn't being a party pooper when he cried at his party - he just couldn't take all of it in and couldn't stand the attention of everyone looking at him.
He doesn't hate swimming. He just hates the shock of the cold water, the splashing from multiple children, the gruffness of the instructor's tone.
Imagine it. Imagine that everytime you hear something, it sounds louder and you spend more time interpreting what that loud sound is. And imagine if every time you put on a scratchy jumper, it didn't just niggle you but really felt unbearable against your skin. And imagine if you didn't want to put that jumper on but your parents got annoyed with you for making another fuss and insisted on it. And imagine being forced to not wait and observe a brand new school with brand new people and lots of new rules and information, but being forced to go in because the bell is going and that's just what you have to do. Hell on earth.
Since reading this book I have looked at my son in an entirely different light. I can feel so much more empathy towards him now. I no longer feel that he is 'acting out' just because he's trying to wind me up. He is just a little boy trying to make sense of a very loud, overwhelming world that his nervous system battles to cope with.
In the last few days I have changed the way I am with him. I don't shout. I don't even raise my voice. I have lowered my expectations as to what to expect of him. I've helped him more. I've been infinitely more patient. I've explained why things have to happen simply and clearly. I've let go of the sense that he's trying to do things to get at me. I feel greater pride in the things he does do - like reading a poem in church for harvest festival. And the change has been phenomenal.
He is a completely different child. A happy child. Someone who is finally comfortable and able to deal with things because it's getting presented to him in the right way. Because he is super sensitive, he can feel the difference emanating from me. There's less frustration and disappointment and anger coming from his primary care giver. He is picking up on that positivity and literally blossoming in front of my eyes.
I know it's early days and it's going to require a great deal of patience to maintain the level of calm, fair parenting that a child like this needs. And it is going to be particularly hard trying to prepare him for a world that is quite simply not designed with sensitive people in mind - particularly for little boys who are viewed as cry babies or sissys instead of the macho role required by today's society. But I now know how I can help him and can see the utterly beautiful gifts his level of sensitivity brings.
I only wish I had known about this before. I hate myself for misinterpreting and misunderstanding him all these years, for not having the patience needed, for caring too much about what the rest of the world thought instead of doing what was right for him.
I promise to make it up to him by doing my very, very best to help him thrive in this busy, crazy world.
If you are the parent of a highly sensitive child, please share your stories with me.
34 comments:
Jeez, that makes me feel pretty bad too, although I knew there must be an underlying reason for over shyness, lashing out, inability to take compliments or make eye contact with adults..... I supposed it was a way of attention seeking!
Thanks
(Holding back the tears)
x
Mine doesn't do eye contact with strangers and also lashes out Lazy Housewife. We had a very successful day today where he went to swimming and didn't cry for the first time ever. He was startled once by the whistle being blown but I simply said: Swimming can feel overwhelming because of all the noise and splashing, but just pretend you can't hear it and concentrate on what you're doing.
And just like that he skipped off. Wow.
Brilliant! Good luck with the rest! X
So glad to hear you have made progress. It must have been very frustrating now knowing what was wrong. x
You should feel proud of yourself, not upset at how you had reacted in the past. I must make you feel empowered to have some clear idea of how to help your little lad enjoy things. Good for you. I am going to read that book. My son has quite a few of those traits. That's such an obvious but hellishly easy to miss truth about being overwhelmed by the world.
My daughter is a HSC - just as I was myself and my husband was. As a baby, she would have started screaming when strangers looked into her pram, she still looks down and shouts 'NO!' when I am talking to strangers. Don't feel guilty. How would you have known? To be honest, there were moments when I thought that she had aspergers - despite my own personality and the similarities in her personality traits. xxx
If 15 - 20% of people are highly sensitive, then that means that huge huge numbers of parents never suss this out about their child. So don't beat yourself up. Instead, congratulate yourself for being one of the very very few who find it out.
A friend lent me a similar book when I was having a tough time with my younger son. I didn't feel he fitted the profile, though there were elements that seemed to ring true. But I thought that was the case for my other two as well. I kind of concluded that children probably all have areas of particular sensitivity, and maybe part of being a good parent is to try and learn what those are, and how to deal with them. (But I didn't read all that much of the book - perhaps I should go back to it.)
I'm so glad it's working for you. What a wonderful breakthrough.
Guilt and parenting. A traditional recipe :)
Incredible that you were able to see the truth when it was offered. So many people are so invested in how they have acted that they cant change - you have adjusted and that makes you A Very Good Mother.
NVG - it was mega frustrating. At least I feel I know what I've got to do, even if I can't always do it
Jenny - I think most people have some of the traits, some just have more than others
Met Mum - at least you recognise it early on with your daughter so know how to respond to her
Iota - I know - there must be loads of kids out there that are just seen as being a bit fussy instead of sensitive
Sarah - thank you!
I'm going to go out and buy thsat book. My daughter's definitely very senstive to things. The book was recommended to me when she was vwry young. Why the hell didn't I buy it then?!
I like Sarah's comment. Yes. It takes insight, wisdom and guts to change ones parenting style and assumptions.
OMG. I need to get this book. Thank you. Thank you for providing some much needed help with CU.
OMG! That's me as a child and I can see some elements in my youngest too. Will have to get the book. Thanks
OMG! Lovely story. Made me cry! Just searched 'Highly sensitive' on BabyCentre and came across your post. Our little boy who is 4.5 yrs is a hsc and we found out about a year ago. He was my 2nd and new something was not right when he was about 14 mths. He was the easiest baby ever but when he started walking he changed. He would cry everytime he woke up for 2hours. I work with kids and demanded he was assessed but was fobbed off for a coupke of years. When the assessor came in she knew he was a hsc after 5 mins when he went to wash his hands! I had never heard of it, nor had any of my work collegues. I read all the books and there was immense progress, especially when he started school suprisingly as they seemed to follw his IEP well and were careful not to shout at him but we are curren tly having a step backwards. There are no problems at school withhim but at home my patience has worn thin (have 4 kids so life is hectic) but your post has reminded me that he needs me to be more patient as I have been rather strict with him which he does not react well too, Thank you! xx
I'd been seeking help with our son for over a year, and wondering if we should be getting help for years before that, when I too found The Highly Sensitive Child when scanning the shelves of a book shop for any help I could find. I'd realised that he had sensory issues, and knew he didn't respond to the usual parenting techniques, but this book has given me confidence in my instincts and so much more insight into his world. He had been incredibly aggressive and violent, and just the same as you, the change in him when I changed was instant. It's hard not to feel guilty, but my mum said to me, he's lucky, he has a mum who kept searching for answers, as did you. Sadly, the paediatrician who had been seeing him dismissed highly sensitive as irrelevant and although he has since been diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, she also dismissed this as something they grow out of and therefore not an issue. When I said it took 3 hours to get him dressed every day she suggested letting him stay in his pjs. Not very helpful in the winter, on a school day etc... Anyway, thank you for writing so honestly about your experiences - it is hugely reassuring to read about other families going through the same things. I just know that with lots of love and reassurance and encouragement, these amazing little people are going to be absolutely incredible adults. I am blown away by what my boy manages every day, and by his ability to communicate and analyse his feelings and experiences. We're lucky parents - what a lot we learn from them, and how we have to grow and develop ourselves to parent them, and what an amazing privilege to watch them master and manage the big wide world. Thank you for sharing your world.
*weeps* I have recently had almost the same experience except my little girl is 5 and my copy hasn't arrived yet. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps to know that its not too late to change things and make her life easier. Good luck x
my son is four and will be starting school in september. His nursery teacher over the past year has pointed out some of the difficulties he has while in nursery. Coping with to much noise, does not like be touched, or people to close to him, very sensitive to his environment or people around him. Always asking questions. This leads to him screaming in frustration and anger quite often. However the teacher has also pointed out his strenghts eg his attention to detail, empathy to others, creativity and excellent listening skills. I understand more about the subject of HSC but am worried about how he will fit in at school and dont want to lable him by saying the wrong thing to his new teacher in september please help
Thanks for all the recent comments. It amazes me that people still find this post months after it was written but glad it can be of help.
To the last anon commenter, in the book there is a section that you can copy and give to teachers. I did that for my son's teacher. I said that I wasn't trying to tell her how to do her job, but just wanted to give her some insight into my child. She read it and has been far gentler with him. He has blossomed into a very confident little boy now.
I am a highly sensitive person, and I'm pretty sure my daughter is too. Parenting right now is exhausting, she is almost three and her brother is one.
My son is 5 and is very highly sensitive. Very early on I knew that he was different/special when at the age of 2 he was scared of the noise vehicles made as we walked down a street, at 3 years old he cried at his own birthday party as we all sang happy birthday to him and when he did swimming and football, he was unable to independently join the group of children and participate in the activities that were going on.
However on the otherhand, he had the amazing ability to get on with every child at nursery and became known for his caring nature by children and adults alike. He was able to read by 3, he has a fantastic memory and pays so much attention to detail that he is wonderfully creative and imaginative.
As a highly sensitive child, he has his particular needs which are challenging. This has been a long journey for me with its ups and downs. He has so much going for him but if only he would believe in himself. He is a perfectionist and sets very high expectations for himself. He has the potential to be so amazing but I can see so many problems occuring and pitfalls because of the lack of understanding of his needs by others - his teachers, his peers and some of his family members.
My biggest challenge at the moment is when he participates in sports. He expects to win every game he plays - he cannot cope with defeat of any kind. Also if he is practising a skill and he does not get it right - he falls to pieces! Although he does actually enjoy doing these sports and when he is not upset, shows exceptional ability in what he does.
So what should I do? The easy thing to do would be to stop his football and tennis however I feel that he has to learn how to develop strategies in order to help him deal with his emotions and these situations. As he gets older, will things get better? Any advice from anyone?
Alison, I would let him continue with his sport but just keep explaining that it's ok for things not to go perfectly. ASk him why he gets upset and then explain how it's ok to feel like that but to challenge himself to think of what things he did well in the game instead.
Having read the HSC book I realized with my first born, that my wife and I were in for a strenuous journey. My daughter is 7 and has improved a lot in that she loves to do more stuff independently but the same sensitivity to noise, sense of order etc has magnified. My son is now 4, and as a dad I feel pressured to force him into doing 'boy' like stuff to toughen him up but he cries and screams at drop off in the morning, he cried every class at soccer, he refused to go swimming and never got into the pool without crying..(by the way he had colic too and I amazed at how he can cry non-stop for an hour or more). My wife the highly sensitive one is more understanding and I do not wish to be hard with him, but having gone through this alone without support when I was a kid, being bullied, ridiculed etc. I do not want the same for him; thus the need to toughen him up. Perhaps he will learn on his own like I did and I should just be there for him when he needs me.Any comments appreciated. Thanks for your blog;
I am so glad you found out about your son. My daughter is HSC (like me). I never heard the term until recently but I knew from day one she and I were cut from the same cloth.
My parents did not understand me (not their fault). I am well adjusted and successful adult - your son will be too!
There are easy ways to help him. Be sure he arrives to school early and arrive at birthday parties 5 minutes before the other kids - so much easier for HSP not to walk into a crowd but to get settled before the chaos erupts around them.
Its ok to give him a break from things he hates (even swim lessons) my daughter didn't get off the pool steps until she was 5 years old. She hated swim lessons because the water was too cold but in due time (on her schedule - she has learned to swim). She is 12 and is a softball player - but she didn't play any sports at all until 3rd grade.
Now she just got a pallette expander - you can't imagine what that is like for a HSC. She cried and cried for weeks just at the thought of it. Now that is has been on a few days - she is getting use to it. It takes a lot of encouragement and comfort. (and it is really hard for a HSP like myself to actually cause someone physical discomfort).
Anyway, I'm just writing this to say you are doing a good job - and you will ALWAYS need to be aware of your sons differences and sensitivities. You will help him be able to feel good about himself and help him learn to advocate for his own needs.
Good Luck - its definitely a different journey with these kids.
It's been a desperate morning, so I did the thing I've never done...searched for a blog for SOMEONE who can understand. Can't tell my spouse, or Mom, or anyone.I've tried, no one "gets it". Mine is 9, a girl, and was diagnosed by a counselor (my attempt to survive this relationship)as Highly Sensitive last June. So, we did better for a stretch,meeting with a counselor weekly. But it got too expensive, and we stopped going, and now it's war again. So volatile! even armed with the knowledge that she is highly sensitive I can't seem to put up with the constant complaint that I don't say it right, or do it right, or care enough. I'm at the "I don't like my child" spot. I can't walk on egg shells my whole parenting existence. My other child is miserable by the fights, and ruckus', caused daily again. I don't want to buy one Christmas present for her- I'm so angry with her! I feel stuck. What can you do to allow the child to take some responsibility for their agitating words and actions? HELP!!
Hi Anonymous, you sound like I felt this morning. I am blamed for every little thing. My son has developed eczema but he refuses to use the cream that helps because 'he doesn't like the smell or feel of it' but I must miraculously make it go away and it's my fault for not achieving this miracle. It is so hard so I completely get where you are coming from. When things REALLY get me down I go to my absolute worst extreme - I imagine what life would be like if he was suddenly not there. It always reminds me that no matter how annoying it can be, life would be far, far worse if he weren't in it. Hang in there.
Thanks Home Office Mum. It hasn't been as bad since that day (anonymous Nov. 30), but we have our bouts still. You are right about the extreme worst scenario...I'll admit, I have done that before, imagined not having her, and I do renew my intent to parent w/love. My most recent decision is to speak up when she is insulting. She hates it, and yells at me, and tells me I'm hurting her feelings, but she is so abrasive I feel like she should know. We did work it out after the fact, but the feelings get hurt so easily. Thanks for the encouraging words
OMG - Just had the same eye opening experience as you... My son is 10 and I got the highly sensitive child book last week. Right now, I'm still going through the guilt of all the ways I totally messed up over the last 10 years not understanding where my son is coming from... and trying to absorb everything in the book so that I can 'get it right' is almost overwhelming in itself. Your story made me cry - it was so very reminiscent of exactly what we've been going through for the last 10 years. I do, on the other hand, feel such relief at having the answer as to 'why' these things have been happening - and it helps me have patience with my child - though there is still some anxiety (on my part) over what I know he is going to be faced with in the future - quite frankly I'm terrified over my son facing middle school in the next couple of years. Now, I feel some relief to see so many people experiencing this and have much advice to offer to help with the difficult times.
Hi Amy, it's been over a year since I wrote that post. Since then we moved house which meant my son had to change schools (to a much bigger school). I thought he was going to go into complete meltdown. But amazingly he has coped. He still cries often, but luckily for him, his teacher fully understands him and he's still young enough for the other kids not to pick on him. He is still massively frustrating, but knowing what the problem is really does make me more empathetic to him. Your son will cope too - as will you! :-)
So glad I found this page - it all makes sense now. My son is 6 and my biggest fear is how much he will get bullied or labelled a 'cry baby/jessie'. Such a horrible thought!
My little boy (3yrs) has had very similar experiences to your own child's. Luckily, a trusted Child Health Nurse that us that he was HSC before he turned one and while it was always in the back of my mind to be aware of, we've only now really had to start acknowledging it more as he becomes increasingly overwhelmed. When given space, consideration of his needs and a loving sanctuary, he thrives. Thank you for sharing your experiences, we've learnt what a gift his sensitivity is and wouldn't have him any other way.
I found your blog when I googled HSC. I too, wept last night when I read the book and feel as you had felt, wishing I could go back in time and respond to my daughter in a more supportive way. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD last year, but the diagnosis never sat quite right with me. I now realize that she is overstimulated in the classroom and sometimes at home. After reading the book, this mornings routine went like a dream, because instead of screaming my usual "the bus is coming in 5 minutes!" I whispered, "look at the time, darling, the bus will be here very soon". She still made the bus. I am so grateful for having found this book.
Phew. What a great article. Absolutely from the heart. It was a beautiful thing.
One thing I wanted to comment on was your insistence it was not a disorder. Personally, as a person with ADHD, I couldn't agree more with a perspective that my personality/brain/etc. are gifts that make me different, not someone with a "disorder". It was however EXTREMELY helpful to be able to finally view myself through the lens of ADHD. It sounds like that book provided you with that same appropriate lens for your child. And while it sounds like the book stopped short of labeling such children with any kind of disorder and the use of any medical term, it still provided a "label" of "Highly Sensitive Children" by which you could identify similar behavior patterns, identify possible causes and triggers, and also identify how best for you to deal with a child with this label. I would argue having your child diagnosed with a "disorder" of some type would do nothing different and would possibly have even more benefits...it would just simply come with that unfortunate word at the end.
My grand point here is do not be afraid of a label such as disorder...it is only a word, but it does come with wonderful answers that finally allow us and our children to understand so much.
So what I am truly getting at in the end here is that, much like earlier poster TORI's child, the symptoms you describe sound a TON like what is known as Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). The hallmark of this is a hypersensitive child. I have not read the book you refer to, but I am guessing if your child truly was exhibiting symptoms of SPD, it would be helpful to look at your child through that lens as there is a wealth of information out there on it and it is a bit of a more recognized term. The biggest reason this lens could help you is there are large benefits to be reaped for most children with SPD by going through Occupational Therapy in addition to the mega-important steps you have already taken.
I state all of this because I have a niece, nephew and a child of my own with SPD. My sister followed a process much like yours with my nephew. One of undescribable parental frustration and filled with people who think you are just describing a normal child and think you are just a whinny parent. My sister even have a principal threaten to report her to the police for aiding Truancy! All because he couldn't believe her child was different, and he couldn't believe it took 2 hours to get her child dressed and that is why he was chronically late...he was certain it was just lazy parenting. In the end, my sisters child was diagnosed with ADHD AND SPD (the two are often co-morbid), and through a combination of new parenting strategies, Occupational Therapy, and medication, her child has blossomed and become a completely new child.
I am so happy you finally found answers, and even more grateful you chose to share it with the world. Perhaps it will save others the incredible frustration and grief both you and my sister went through. Hopefully I may have helped a bit by pointing you in the SPD direction as well. Below is a link with SPD symptoms if you care to read it.
http://www.spdfoundation.net/symptoms.html
Thank you Greg - that is very helpful
Thanks Home Office Mum, your article has been an eye opener. I have always known my 4 year old son is highly sensitive like me, what i did not have were the tactics to deal with the different situations.
All the comments have helped a lot and i will be working on them as from this evening when he gets back from school.
Be blessed!
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