The heady heights of celebrity

"Do you want marmite or jam?" I yell to my children glued to CBBC, while I attempt to make breakfast, a packed lunch, sign homework books and find a clean school jumper. I hear my phone ring and ignore it. I get the toast out just as my phone bleeps that a message is waiting. Weird for me to be getting a call at 7.30 in the morning, so I listen.

It's BBC Radio Berkshire and could I give them a call about swimming with whales.

Did I just enter a parallel universe? Have I had even more cups of coffee than normal? Huh?

So I call back.

"Hi Melissa, thanks, I knew YOU'D call back," says the lady who interviewed me several months back on my sailing trip across the Atlantic. "You swam with whales right?"

"Um, no."

"Oh, well did you see the story in today's paper about the lady in Florida who was killed by a Killer Whale?"

"No." Funnily that didn't make my top ten must reads this morning.

"Oh right, well didn't you see whales?"

"Yes, from the deck of a boat, at a distance."

"Great, we'll call you back in 15 minutes to talk about it."

Um. Looking at now dead telephone. In 15 minutes I will need to be in a shower, getting two children dressed, forcing not eaten toast down their throats and generally charging around in the well-known lunatic-mother dance that happens across the country at around this time.

So instructing my children to turn off the egg boiler once it buzzes and asking them to please keep quiet while I attempt to discuss whales, I go find a quiet space.

They call. I have to listen to someone rattling on about RBS and the bonuses they receive, meanwhile, counting down the seconds I have till one of my children charges in saying something like: "I NEED A POO!"

Then my moment arrives.

"We've got Melissa Talago of Newbury on the line. And Melissa, I believe you've swum with whales."

"Um, no. Definitely not."

"Oh right," says presenter sounding bemused. "So uh, what's your whale story then?"

(I don't have a sodding whale story, you called me and I haven't even gotten out of my pyjamas yet)

"Well I sailed across the Atlantic last year and saw some whales."

"Oh wow, so what were they like?"

"Well, big and whaley." (I mean what the F?)

Then diving into PR mode, I regale a lovely tale about a pod of whales swimming alongside our boat and how a whale hit one of the boats (not mine) on one of the racing legs (not the one I did) which did no damage to boat or whale but made a loud bang. Not a story that's likely to be regaled at many dinner parties really. However, during the telling, I did mention that it was lovely to listen to the sound of the whales as they swam alongside us.

"Oh right, so what did they sound like?"

"Well, they made blowing sounds."

Silence. Awkward. I fill it.

"Like this..."And there on live radio, I did a whale impersonation. What a proud moment.

And the interview ended quite rapidly after that.

Heady heights of stardom await I feel.