I have no idea why I haven't started a blog before. I am a laggard. Yet for the last 5 years I've had perfect blog material which I've squandered by simply ranting to myself, emailing family or posting on chat forums.
My 'material' started when I realised I was pregnant with child number one. He's now 4 and a bit and he's subsequently been joined by small boy number 2.
Together they are known as the beastie boys (or BB1 and BB2) I love them dearly but I believe with all my heart that they are trying to drive me insane. Someone has incentivised them to see just how long it will take before their mother loses the plot entirely. Their technique is simple: annoyance.
It takes the form of changing their minds constantly, not making up their minds, arguing over inconsequential things, waking up before 6am every single sodding day, peeing in their pants, wasting food, drawing on walls, never letting me poo in peace and any number of other delights.
Take this morning as a case in point:
Me: who wants porridge?
BB1: Not me - I want rice krispies and weetabix and noughts and crosses.
Me: you can have rice krispies and noughts and crosses. If you eat it all, you can have weetabix
BB1 upon being presented with cereal: but I wanted to pour the milk.
Me: Sorry, I didn't know
BB1: well now I'm not eating it
Me: fine. go hungry
BB1: And I said I wanted weetabix
Me: repeated previous explanation
BB2: I want weetabix
Me: but you said you wanted porridge (which was now midway through being made)
BB2: I WANT WEETABIX, I WANT WEETABIX ad infinitum
Me: X!&* under breath - fine, have bloody weetabix
BB2 then sees me putting porridge in my bowl
BB2: I WANT PORRIDGE, I WANT PORRIDGE
Me: do you want porridge or weetabix? Last chance before I string you up by your toes
Me: Fine. We eat in relative silence for a few minutes
BB1: I also want porridge.
Me: Well now there's none left
BB1: I WANT PORRIDGE, I WANT PORRIDGE
Me: rams head into wall and leaves them to scream before calmly re-entering and offer toast.
Me: Would you like marmite or jam on your toast? And thus commences round two...