The time has come

I have no idea why I haven't started a blog before. I am a laggard. Yet for the last 5 years I've had perfect blog material which I've squandered by simply ranting to myself, emailing family or posting on chat forums.

My 'material' started when I realised I was pregnant with child number one. He's now 4 and a bit and he's subsequently been joined by small boy number 2.

Together they are known as the beastie boys (or BB1 and BB2) I love them dearly but I believe with all my heart that they are trying to drive me insane. Someone has incentivised them to see just how long it will take before their mother loses the plot entirely. Their technique is simple: annoyance.

It takes the form of changing their minds constantly, not making up their minds, arguing over inconsequential things, waking up before 6am every single sodding day, peeing in their pants, wasting food, drawing on walls, never letting me poo in peace and any number of other delights.

Take this morning as a case in point:

Me: who wants porridge?

BB2: ME

BB1: Not me - I want rice krispies and weetabix and noughts and crosses.

Me: you can have rice krispies and noughts and crosses. If you eat it all, you can have weetabix

BB1 upon being presented with cereal: but I wanted to pour the milk.

Me: Sorry, I didn't know

BB1: well now I'm not eating it

Me: fine. go hungry

BB1: And I said I wanted weetabix

Me: repeated previous explanation

BB2: I want weetabix

Me: but you said you wanted porridge (which was now midway through being made)

BB2: I WANT WEETABIX, I WANT WEETABIX ad infinitum

Me: X!&* under breath - fine, have bloody weetabix

BB2 then sees me putting porridge in my bowl

BB2: I WANT PORRIDGE, I WANT PORRIDGE

Me: do you want porridge or weetabix? Last chance before I string you up by your toes

BB2: porridge

Me: Fine. We eat in relative silence for a few minutes

BB1: I also want porridge.

Me: Well now there's none left

BB1: I WANT PORRIDGE, I WANT PORRIDGE

Me: rams head into wall and leaves them to scream before calmly re-entering and offer toast.

Me: Would you like marmite or jam on your toast? And thus commences round two...