My brain is full. I need an assistant

Perhaps having children has shrunk the size of my brain. Perhaps my brain is now just full of new things - like all the words to The Wheels on the Bus, Horsey horsey don't you stop and every other children's song on the planet. Maybe the constant juggling of a million different things everyday is making my brain's receptors short circuit - like trying to remember what time to fetch which child from where or whether we still have toilet paper or frozen peas left in the house.

Perhaps its years of drinking too much wine which has slowly killed the brain cells, leaving me with fewer that function. Or perhaps it's just chronic sleep deprivation.

Whatever it is, I think my brain is full. I'm finding it increasingly hard to remember things. It's like my brain processes something and then immediately deletes it to make room for other new stuff coming in.

The result is that after a full day's work in which I feel I have achieved nothing concrete, my brain feels as though a small family of hamsters has taken residence and are frantically spinning their wheels.

I really think I need an assistant. Someone who can handle all the billions of little things that fly at me everyday. They need to be organised. Very organised. Because I'm not. They need to be able to do things like take out magazine subscriptions for me (a pathetic task that will earn me no money and cost me a fortune but which must be done for work purposes. Incidentally, to all those magazine publishers out there, streamline your blinking ordering process please!! And no, I do not want to be sent any sodding information from any of your carefully selected partners).

The assistant will also have to update my press lists and tidy out my outlook inbox and possibly even call the odd journalist or two on my behalf. They will have to search for and scan client coverage. They might even have to answer the phone. And they must be willing to be paid a pittance.

Know anyone?

Because unless I get someone soon, I'm just going to start responding to everyone with the same response: Brain says no.

Must go fetch the children from somewhere. Just got to remember where.