Thursday, 18 September 2008

Could stressed mothers be a renewable energy source?

I would like to conduct a scientific experiment. I would like all mothers to wear heart and blood pressure monitors for a day. I would like these mothers to do what they do every single day. Then I'd like to view the results.

I predict that between the hours of 8 and 9am, heart rates will universally be racing and blood pressures will be through the roof as they attempt to get school children and themselves out of the house on time. Collectively, the extra energy generated by these racing hearts and soaring BPs would be enough to power Wales through winter. I also predict that between 5pm and 7pm the same thing would occur, slightly less intense but prolonged over a greater length of time. Again, the power surge would see the Blackpool lights lit year round.

My final prediction is that around 7 to 8pm, there will be a collective sigh, a group slurp of wine and a massive spike in endorphins as mothers around the country collapse in a small heaps on their respective sofas.

If there was some way to harness these power surges and indeed capture the expelled breath from all the sighs at the end of the day, I'm sure we'd overcome the need to build wind turbines. We could bid farewell to our need for oil. Our economy could be saved. All would be well.

To ensure that their energy source remained secure or even increased, the government (and industry) could do things like dig up more roads making it more difficult to do the school run, package food items in containers that are even more impossible to open, cancel cbeebies and push the price of wine up. Luckily, the MPs making these decisions (mostly male) probably assume that mothers do little more than watch trash telly and shop for groceries and barely have a thing to get worked up about, so don't realise the potential replacement oilfield they have sitting on their doorstep. Thank God for that. For now Cbeebies is safe. Long may it last.

Note to self: research stress absorption machines and how they can connect to the power grid. Call Patent Office.

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