I just had a moment. One of those big moments that feels like a large veil being lifted from your face while simultaneously being kicked in the stomach. I was watching a fairly hideous programme on Channel 4 about Virgin Daughters and fathers who get their little girls (aged 6 onwards) to take purity vows to make up for their own shenanigans when they were teenagers. It was all a bit creepy and weird.
But while watching it, it hit me. Like a tonne of bricks. I AM NEVER GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE GIRL (because we aren't having anymore children).
I'm never going to shop for pink things. I'm never going to buy hairclips or brush hair or tie ponytails. I'm never going to be the Mother of the Bride. I'm never going to get to pretend dress up like princesses. I'm never going to be able to dance like a loon to a tune on the radio with a daughter who knows exactly why you feel moved to do that. I'm never going to go shopping with a child of mine who actually wants to browse rather than shop with purpose. I'm never going to share recipes or perve George Cloony or talk about women's issues with a child of mine (unless they go seriously off the rails). I'll never get to know what it's like to be the mother in a mother/daughter relationship, however good or bad it may be. I'm never going to experience what my mother experienced. I'm never going to see my husband dance with a daughter and be amazed that he could create a girl child that he's besotted with. I'll never be able to watch that daughter dancing with her dad and know the delight she feels. I'll never truly know what my children are going through because I've never been in their shoes.
I am a mum of boys. And while they may bring a million joys, they will never be girls. And sometimes, just sometimes, I need to have a quiet cry about it.