I just had a moment. One of those big moments that feels like a large veil being lifted from your face while simultaneously being kicked in the stomach. I was watching a fairly hideous programme on Channel 4 about Virgin Daughters and fathers who get their little girls (aged 6 onwards) to take purity vows to make up for their own shenanigans when they were teenagers. It was all a bit creepy and weird.
But while watching it, it hit me. Like a tonne of bricks. I AM NEVER GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE GIRL (because we aren't having anymore children).
I'm never going to shop for pink things. I'm never going to buy hairclips or brush hair or tie ponytails. I'm never going to be the Mother of the Bride. I'm never going to get to pretend dress up like princesses. I'm never going to be able to dance like a loon to a tune on the radio with a daughter who knows exactly why you feel moved to do that. I'm never going to go shopping with a child of mine who actually wants to browse rather than shop with purpose. I'm never going to share recipes or perve George Cloony or talk about women's issues with a child of mine (unless they go seriously off the rails). I'll never get to know what it's like to be the mother in a mother/daughter relationship, however good or bad it may be. I'm never going to experience what my mother experienced. I'm never going to see my husband dance with a daughter and be amazed that he could create a girl child that he's besotted with. I'll never be able to watch that daughter dancing with her dad and know the delight she feels. I'll never truly know what my children are going through because I've never been in their shoes.
I am a mum of boys. And while they may bring a million joys, they will never be girls. And sometimes, just sometimes, I need to have a quiet cry about it.
5 comments:
Bless your heart.
If it's any consolation they're just as freakishly alien as little boys in their own way.
I know it isn't. I used to sigh over small boys (not in a perving way) until I accidentally got one of my own.
One real consolation is that you will have no wild hormone surges to deal with that aren't your own.
Kx
Well, I have two girls and also won't be having any more. The eldest is a Tomboy, so I didn't get any kind of pink experience - she hates dolls and shopping too! The youngest is too young for me to know how she'll turn out !
I really didn't want to have boys (no offence to mums with boys!) but often I wonder what it must be like to have that special mother/son bond. Both my girls are and have always been obsessed with their daddy (come to think of it, I am too!)
So i suppose that unless you have one of each this is something you'll always think about - so you're normal!
There are some things in life that you take for granted will come your way and it is horrible when it hits you that these things aren't to be yours.
Look at it this way, your sons will love and worship you unreservedly and never tell you your dress sense sucks, your hair is a mess, that they wouldn't be caught dead wearing that / going into that shop, or that you have no idea what it is like to be a 16 year old girl.
Plus, you may end up with fab daughters in law who will happily dance round the kitchen table with you. Ok, not quite yet but someday.
this made me cry!! i just found out yesterday im expecting my 3rd and final son. although i love all my children and i know i will love my new baby boy just as much. i have always wanted a daughter for all the reasons you listed above. i really feel like im going to miss out on all the girly things and just having a mother daughter bond :(
I so get this. I am a mum of three boys, and made no secret of my desire for a daughter during all my pregnancies, so when my third and final son was born I had to take a very very deep breath and accept the reality. And I did. Having sons is like having a house full of puppies - they are full of energy, continuously breaking things and each other, and they just don't seem to hear you when you say 'STOP'. And whilst I will never get to experience the joy of plaiting my daughters hair (call me strange but I was really looking forward to that bit), I now can't imagine my life any other way. With acceptance comes the surprise of discovering that actually, having boys is pretty cool.
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