Disclaimer: Morbid navel gazing follows. Feel free to send me a virtual slap.
I would say that about once every two weeks I have a complete crisis of confidence. It's very annoying. It's even more annoying for my husband who doesn't understand why I don't believe in myself and why I can't just make a decision and carry it out. He feels that I dither. I do. Decisions are not my thing. By making a decision, you're effectively bidding farewell to the alternative, and that bothers me.
My most frequent crisis of confidence is about my business. Almost daily I feel as though I'm hanging on tight to the pendulum of a large grandfather clock as I swing back and forth about what to do with my work. Something good happens - like a fab piece of client coverage - and I feel as though I can conquer the world. I see my business being the next big thing. Possibly resulting in me being on the front cover of the Time magazine (probably not but it's good to have stretch goals).
And then the pendulum reaches its zenith and it swings back again. This usually coincides with me opening up a magazine and seeing one of my competitors quoted or a big feature that one of my clients should have been in and aren't. OR, I have a particularly bad day trying to juggle work and kids or I see friends skipping off to a keep fit class and coffee and I think, sod it all to hell in a handbasket, I want to jack it in and become a lady who blogs.
There is very seldom a middle ground. I regularly think that I would be infinitely happier if I just accepted that I should simply do a great job for a few clients, stay small, keep my brain ticking over, make some money and have time for life outside of work. But this just feels so stationary. So ordinary. So under-achievery. In every job, you get performance appraisals and goals to work towards and things to achieve. By just doing the same old thing year after year without trying to do more, I feel as though I'm not trying hard enough. And therefore am a failure.
This is a ridiculous way of thinking. I need to give myself a good shake and stern talking to. I need to view my life as a whole, with work just being one part of it. But it's always there, this feeling that I ought to be trying harder, that I'm not pushing myself, that I'm coasting.
Why can I not view the fact that I have run a successful business for two and three quarter years, that I've taught myself a vast amount, that I've made as much money as many main breadwinners make and that I've done this all while looking after two very young boys, having a house flooded, moving house, running a home and having a husband who's seldom here - as a worthwhile thing? Why does it still feel that I need to pull my finger out?
I don't know the answer. If anyone has any pearls of wisdom, I'd love to hear them. Otherwise just send me my slap and send me on my way.