Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Failure in many things

My tummy hurts. This might be because I've just wolfed down two half eaten bowls of pasta, pesto and peas, a home made jam tart (burning my tongue in the process) and two carrots (in a bid to eradicate the calories of the other stuff). This wasn't my dinner. That's still waiting for me. This was me doing my duty to starving children in Africa and not letting food go wasted. It's the same reason I ate one and a half hot cross buns that were far from hot earlier today. The kids hadn't eaten them (despite demanding them for breakfast) and so they sat there folornly with the butter congealed, nibble marks on the side of them. Their sorry state didn't deter me in my efforts to stop world hunger. Sigh.

Remember how I was clinging to that resolution wagon with white knuckles? It's safe to say that I fell off a while back and the dust kicked up from the wagon has long since settled. My exercising has reduced to once a week on the weekend when I finally get a moment to myself. And the no drinking in the week rule seems to mean that our weekend actually runs from Wednesday through to Sunday.

So in general I'm not doing spectacularly well. I would ordinarily feel despondent. But I don't because I still have my resolution trump card - the 'make time for myself' masterpiece in the form of flitting across the ocean on a yacht for five weeks. Friday cannot come fast enough and I'm now desperate to know if I'm going to get a place on the race.

I've already got my PR machine in place to start my fundraising efforts. Just this week the Daily Express was looking for mums who'd taken a sabbatical from their families to do something for themselves. I got in touch and told them that I hadn't yet but was really hoping I could. They're dead keen on the story and hopefully if I get a slot on the race, I'll manage to get a good hit that will drive billions of people to my blog (which has yet to be created - don't want to put the cart before the horse and all that) which in turn will result in people throwing money at me so that I can sail this race without getting myself in debt. It's not that I live in laa laa land, I'm just optimistic. Hopeful. A dreamer. A Piscean.

Anyway, today's big news was that we went to the dentist. The last time I attempted to take the children to the dentist, they hid behind me, quivering in fear before throwing the mother of all paddies and charging straight out of the dentist's room, out through reception and out of the building. The dentist didn't get within a 100 yards of their teeth. It was a failure of the most spectacular proportions.

So of course I was really looking forward to today's visit. I'd given up on getting the 3 year old in the chair. He doesn't clean his teeth at the best of times, eats sweets whenever he can (including old congealed things he finds under the sofa) and is according to his nursery teacher 'the world's most stubborn child'. No, the appointment was for the almost 5 year old and I.

For those of you who don't know about my 5 year old, let me fill you in. I've been convinced since his birth that he suffers from bipolar disoder, a split personality or schitzophrenia. When he is good, he is Angelic. When he's not, he'd make Satan weep. The thing is, you never know which one you're going to get.

With a little knot of trepidation we walked into the dentist's room. The dentist said hello and asked who was going to go first. I was about to open my mouth, when 5 year old confidently marched up to the chair, sat himself down and said "me". He then lay back, opened his mouth as wide as a person can possibly open it without turning into a hippo and let the dentist carry on. He politely answered the dentist's questions. He examined the instruments when they were shown to him. He was the perfect picture of angelic loveliness. I was so proud - and not a little flabbergasted - that I had a quiet weep, which was a little embarrassing as I then had to lie down on the chair and have the dentist gaze into my tear filled eyes.

Anyway, it was all over in under 10 minutes and we left. I congratulated my son on being such a star. That was apparently the wrong thing to do. The angel had left the building. I was subjected to a half hour diatribe about how the dentist is stupid and he's never going again and why did I have to have my teeth cleaned because he was sooooooo bored and did I mention that he's never going to the dentist again. I gave up the fight and just nodded.
Then he asked: 'You made another appointment, didn't you?'
Loaded question this. 'Er, yes I did,' I replied.
'Who was the appointment for?' he asked warily.
'Me,' I answered, omitting the small fact that he was included in the appointment given his obvious hatred for the dentist.
'WHY DIDN'T YOU MAKE ME AN APPOINTMENT?? I WANT TO GO. NOW YOU HAVE TO GO BACK AND MAKE ANOTHER APPOINTMENT. TURN THE CAR AROUND NOW!'
Too tired to argue and arms not long enough to turn around and thump him for his sheer contrariness, I said: 'But it's also for you.'
'BUT YOU JUST SAID IT WAS FOR YOU. YOU'RE LYING MUMMY. YOU ARE A BIG FAT LIAR.'

He's right. But I prefer to think of it as giving myself an easy life. I obviously failed on that count.

7 comments:

Ali said...

He sounds as though he's actually a 13yo in 5yo clothing. It sounds almost like a conversation I would have with my 13yo except his conversation tends to contain a great deal more sarcasm and sighing. I wish I could say it'll get easier but the contrary ones just seem to get worse I'm afraid.

nappy valley girl said...

My 3 year old also reminds me of a moody teenager sometimes. And yet, he can be angelic too. I haven't dared take him to the dentist yet - is that rubbish of me?

As for finishing off the kids' food, that's a daily occurrence in our household...no wonder the January diet didn't work.

Nicola said...

I think we are all really living the same life just in alternate universes! I too spend my days saving children in Africa by eating all the leftovers. I am a Personal Trainer but very rarely work out more than once a week - although the intention EVERY week is to get at least 2 workouts in (I work at a flaming gym for heavens sake - this should not be difficult).

As for the dentist - boys have been twice. Everyone is on the dentist bandwagon over here and I had been feeling like a very lax mummy for not having them go every 6 months since they were 2. The first visit was horrific and put me off going again for a year. The next time I spent the previous week role-playing the dentist (!) in order to calm my own nerves and they were ok. But identical reaction to your son - oh I hate it, she's a stupid poo-poo head...what do you mean you haven't made me another appt?!! No prizes for guessing who became the stupid poo-poo head 30 seconds later.

Love the post because I can relate to it in every way!

More than a Mother said...

hahaha you just can't win, can you?!

Really keeping things crossed for your race place. I think you should get your blog set up and record some of your feelings as you wait to hear if you've got a place. Ok, so you might not get one, in which case you just delete the blog, but as soon as you hear that you DO have a place, you need to get the PR machine rolling and starting sending your blog link out. A first post full of anticipation is a nice read, and will capture all reasons for applying in the first place, which may be overshadowed once you know you're actually going.

Home Office Mum said...

Ali - sigh. I dread the teens. I really, really do. Unless he's just having his teen years early and by the time he's 13 he'll be brilliant. Or not.

Nappy valley and Nicola - glad it's not just me who eats the kids food and lives this life. Stops me thinking that perhaps I was impregnated by the devil without me knowing.

More than - it's a good idea. Will investigate/pull my finger out. Not sure I'm even going to manage to get to the interview as we've got another 10cm of snow forecast for tonight. Schools will be shut AGAIN and not sure what I'll do with my kids. think this might become a recurring theme.

Tara@Sticky Fingers said...

Read this and laughed out loud (probably because I've been there too only I was in the loos at Pizza Express, but that's a whole other tale!) then read your reply to MTAM in which you said 'I'll have to get my finger out' and oh hell, I sure am laughing now!

Iota said...

Wow, you have a tactful nursery teacher there.